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Frequency Not Feeling: Navigating the Dynamics of Love Beyond Emotions

Read Kristin Armstrong's latest deep dive on love's frequency, empowering choices, and the art of self-commitment

Kristin Armstrong – large photo

Falling in love is a blissy dopamine rush. The feeling of excitement when you see this person, hear their voice, or get a message on your phone is delectable. You want to savor the sweetness of this time like hard candy, letting it melt very slowly so you can taste every moment.

There can be a temptation to crunch that candy with second-guessing, fear of abandonment, and premature conversations about labels and expectations. Old ghosts of past hurts and disappointments whisper fearful things, which can cause us to close just when we were enjoying the beautiful feeling of opening.

Unveiling the layers, building trust, and embracing the true essence of connection

The process of getting to know someone is a delicate unfolding, learning their stories and their preferences, and walking the topography of their inner world. Trust is built in this unfolding, and best built at a pace that feels like mutual safety. Bit by bit we reveal the truth of ourselves, as the tidy version of self we presented initially evolves into the sharing of the authentic self. For some, when this
happens, the honeymoon phase is over.

The reality of maintaining a relationship beyond the parameters of new is less enticing, especially coupled with the potential fear of truly being seen and intimately known. Some people stop here, and hold themselves at arm’s length, or move on to another new experience. Like all addictions born of dopamine, we can become addicted to the rush of new. And like all addictions, the circuitous path eventually leads to emptiness.

When we think that another person is the reason for our feeling of being in love, we unconsciously hold them responsible for our emotional state. When the initial feelings fade, we then look to the other person in blame. It’s incredible the number of human conditions that can be traced back to the futility of searching for something outside that only exists within.

I received a life-changing piece of wisdom that I will now share with you: Love is a frequency, not a feeling.

Illustration by Anna Kamburis

Understanding the power of choice in relationships

We have been conditioned our entire lives, and generations of lives before us, to define love as a feeling. It is no wonder that so many relationships sputter out and die, no wonder so many marriages wither and end in divorce. Feelings are completely unreliable and inconsistent. We humans are moody people. Sometimes we feel it, sometimes we don’t. The fact that we base commitments on feelings is almost laughable.

The reason why love feels so damn good is because it is a high frequency emotion. All emotions have a frequency range. Everything is energy — this is not woowoo, this is science. You know that despair, grief or depression are incredibly low frequency, and emotions like appreciation and love are very high. The person you fall in love with may initially be the catalyst that propels you up into the higher frequency range of love, but the energy they elicit from you is actually yours. It’s within you. You are the origin, and you are the expression. Therefore, you are the only one who can rise with it, and you are the only one that can resist it. The other person is not responsible, we are.

This means that we have a choice as to whether or not we fall in love, or whether or not we can sustain that love over time. It’s not a choice of feeling, it’s a choice of frequency.

The art of love as self-commitment

Falling in love, being in love and cultivating a lasting love is a commitment — not so much to the other person, but a commitment to ourselves to take full responsibility for maintaining our own frequency. We can choose to do work we love, have hobbies we love, learn things we love, be around people we love, have loving conversations, love being in nature, love animals, love ourselves well and love the life we create. In doing so, we raise our own vibration through various sources. When we live life in this higher range, it’s easy and natural to appreciate and love our partner. In this way, we do not put the weight of our happiness, our wellbeing or the responsibility for our state of being “in love” (which truly means to be in the frequency of love) on our partner. If we are wise in our choosing and fortunate in our pairing, our partner takes the same responsibility for themselves.

When you realize that true love comes from within you, in fact it is you, all the pressure fades away. Expectations, conditions and ultimatums fade away as well.

Harmony, joy, peace and appreciation remain.