What Are You Leaving Behind in the New Year? Life, Love & Wellness With Kristin Armstrong

Dear Kristin, As a tradition on my birthday, I set a new goal for myself as a way to approach each year with a fresh start. Sometimes, it’s related to fitness or diet, and sometimes, it’s other self-care habits that I want to improve upon, but many times, I find myself setting unrealistic goals that become too challenging to stick with. What advice can you share about planning achievable aspirations, staying motivated and finding strategies for accountability? — Brittany

Dearest Brittany,

I love your birthday tradition! I like to say that the Jan. 1 New Year is everyone’s new year, but our birthday is a personal new year. It’s a fresh start just for us — a time to reflect and check in, a time to celebrate with people we love and a time to look ahead and plan where we want to go and how we want to feel. My usual questions, be it in a session with a client or with friends or family, are, “What are you leaving behind in your old year?” and “What do you want, and how do you want to feel in your new year?”

It’s important to consider the things we want to leave behind because oftentimes, these things are taking up space in our thoughts, homes or relationships — space that could be better utilized by something new. It may be time to leave behind old patterns, behaviors or beliefs that simply do not serve us anymore. Our birthday is the threshold to our new year so we get to decide what we carry as we cross over into this fresh new space — and what we do not. This year I want to leave behind self-doubt, comparison, procrastination, mindless consumption, mindless scrolling on my phone, playing small, rushing, second guessing myself, opinion polling rather than trusting my instincts, old patterns of shutting down when I need to speak up, etc. 

Goals can fizzle out if they are created by condemnation or fed only by willpower. (Have you ever noticed the difference between a crowded gym in January and a quiet gym in late February?) That is why I like to rephrase my most important questions to reflect how I want to feel, rather than what I want to do or accomplish.  This practice infuses being into our doing, which aligns our actions with our values — and this is a stronger basis to create sustainable change. This practice also helps us tap into inspiration, which leads to inspired action, rather than motivation. Some people use these words interchangeably, but I think the difference is subtle, yet profound. I believe inspiration is fueled from inside, and motivation is fueled from outside. 

Think of this goal-setting example. I’m overweight. I need to lose 20 pounds. It’s classic condemnation, plus willpower. Feeling bad about ourselves can be a kick in the ass, but it’s still a kick — and it hurts. It also makes us resent the kicker and the demands made by the kicker.  We might be motivated to avoid the kicking, but we won’t feel inspired to make healthy changes and keep them. 

How about this goal instead? This year, I want to feel more confident in my body. 

What does it mean to feel more confident in my body? 

Well, I want to feel leaner, stronger, well-rested, healthier, more energized, more focused, more comfortable in my skin, more freedom in the clothes I choose to wear. I want to appreciate my physical self. I want to feel beautiful, healthy and radiant. I want to get ready for the day and smile at myself in the mirror.  

From here, we can come up with new behaviors, routines or choices to support how we want to feel. Incremental goals that support our larger vision are the best way to strategize our steps. If we reward ourselves along the way, we stay focused and feel good as we make progress. This builds in the accountability component and keeps us moving forward in a spirit of positivity and possibility. If accountability comes in the spirit of shame, we will simply avoid it. We humans are hardwired to avoid shame. By rewarding our incremental steps, we enhance inspiration, and we can start practicing feeling how we want to feel right now, rather than waiting for an outcome in order to be allowed to feel that way.

Have you ever accomplished a goal, and when you finally got there, it felt like… nothing? This is what happens when we prohibit ourselves from feeling a certain way until we think we’ve earned it. When we do this, it’s rare that we really feel how we expected to feel, or we rush through the accomplishment and onto the next so quickly that there is nothing to savor or celebrate. No wonder it feels empty.

Instead, let’s put the way we want to feel up front and support that with our actions, not the other way around. When we really get to savor the sweet feeling of accomplishment, this inspiration carries over into other areas of life. It gives us the confidence that we can attempt big things, dream big dreams, make significant changes and love ourselves along the way.

If we aren’t enjoying the journey, we likely won’t appreciate the destination. Happy birthday, girl. Welcome to your brand-new year. May it be your best one yet.

With so much love,

Kristin

Do you have a question for Kristin regarding wellness and love?

Kristin Armstrong has been sharing personal insights with readers of TRIBEZA magazine for 20 years. Her writings have included captivating stories of love, well-being, motherhood, relationships, self-worth, finding courage and building confidence. Kristin’s stories have sparked inspiration for so many readers. This year, Kristin is opening up a dialogue with all of you! Ask your questions here.