Building a Strong Foundation Post-Divorce — Advice on Relationships From Kristin Armstrong
Read the latest Q&A with Kristin on navigating new love and building a strong, healthy relationship in “Part Two” of life.
Dear Kristin, After an unsuccessful marriage that I entered into at a very early age, I have found myself again and feel like I’ve potentially met someone that really gets me. Sparks are flying, but I’m concerned that I could make the same past mistakes again in this new relationship. How can I make sure that I am building a really healthy foundation from the start this time? – Addie
Dearest Addie,
I’m so happy for you. The gift of a “Part Two” in a life story is a beautiful thing. I like to think that a life story without a love story is not a story at all.
The best advice I can give you is to pace yourself. Even if the excitement of possibility or the rush of a dopamine surge is carrying you forward like a wave — slow your roll. I say that with the balanced message of both take your time and don’t waste your time. Time is precious — so is your heart.
In “Part Two,” we have more wisdom and experience than we did in “Part One.” If we have done our healing work, our basis for making good decisions and the ability to trust our intuition is likely higher.
If we have not done our work, then it can be like unloading a moving truck full of old crap into a beautiful new home. We keep carting that stuff around until we sort it out, learn what we need to keep, and let the rest go.
Hopefully, by now, you are well aware of the things that used to — or have the potential to — trigger you. Until we find love again, these triggers are merely hypothetical. It’s one thing to imagine what you might feel or how you might respond in an activated moment, and entirely another thing to experience it in real time and test your training. The ability to communicate in and around activated moments is imperative. You need to know if either of you will shut down, withdraw, run away, or blow up. If you can, take a deep breath, pause, and talk things through without incurring additional damage.
In the beginning, we all tend to put our best foot forward and keep our shadows to ourselves. This is why pacing yourself is so essential. We must allow for the unfolding. Just like a closed bud cannot be rushed in order to see the flower, love has to bloom. As time passes and real intimacy is forged, we have the opportunity to experience difficult moments together.
It’s important to know how you and your new partner will behave when stressed, when hurting, when jealous, when tired, when overwhelmed, when disappointed, when tempted, when angry, when the chips are down. The smooth road of good times or early bliss do not reveal these things. Terrain does. When choosing a partner for “Part Two,” we are wise enough to know that there will be rocky terrain. It’s inevitable. It’s how we respond in those moments that reveals who we really are.
Relationships have phases — attraction, connection, decision, love, commitment and compatibility. You could be attracted to someone, even connected, even in love, even exclusive, even committed, and yet, if you lack compatibility, it’s going to be a difficult or dead-end road.
This is why taking time to get to really know each other and develop a friendship as a foundation is so important and revealing. Even great sex can be a detour rather than a catalyst to deeper intimacy if it distracts you from looking at the things that would otherwise catch your attention.
Pay attention to what your heart says, what your body says, what your mind says, what your spirit says, and what your family and closest friends say. If questions come up, talk to your therapist — alone and with your partner.
I never really liked the idea of falling in love. I prefer to rise in love. I hope you do, too.
May your “Part Two” be blessed and beautiful.
With love,
Kristin
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Kristin Armstrong has been sharing personal insights with readers of TRIBEZA magazine for 20 years. Her writings have included captivating stories of love, well-being, motherhood, relationships, self-worth, finding courage and building confidence. Kristin’s stories have sparked inspiration for so many readers. This year, Kristin is opening up a dialogue with all of you! Ask your questions here.